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Why it’s important to loathe Arizona State

Arizona State deserves all your dislike.

USC v Arizona State Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images

The Buffs are set to take on Arizona State this weekend in a crucial game. Your hatred is more important than it has been in any week prior, including Colorado State.

Arizona State comes in 5-1 overall and 2-1 in conference play. With the exception of beating up FCS Northern Arizona (which isn’t very impressive), each of their wins have been eeked out after being outplayed all game. This includes a comeback victory over the UT-San Antonio Roadrunners. Somehow, Arizona State is ranked 24th in the coaches poll, which shows just another reason why the coaches poll shouldn’t exist. This Sun Devil team might be the worst ranked team (this far into the season) we’ve seen in a while.

Meanwhile, the Buffs have an opportunity to take a significant lead in the Pac-12 South and possibly regain their national ranking. USC and Utah look like the only teams that can challenge them in the South — UCLA is ailing but could make a run — and a win here would do wonders for their aspirations. Needless to say, this game is huge.

The Pac-12 South is loaded with deplorables, but Arizona State puts them to shame with their vile and spiteful ways. Arizona State is so evil, in fact, that their mascot is literally Hell spawn.

So what makes Arizona State fans so despicable?

Arizona State is the frat house known for all the wrong reasons. And they don’t give a shit.

To be diplomatic here, saying you went to ASU is equivalent to driving a Porsche with a vanity plate with your college nickname on it. With that Porsche, you cut off other drivers and don’t yield to pedestrians; sometimes you honk and scream at them. And you park in the handicapped spot.

Cheering for ASU means you cheer for the jock who wears a head band when he works out, the guy who brags that his dad bought him creatine. This guy got a varsity jacket before tryouts of his Freshman year of high school and proceeded to tell everyone he would rather not play at all than play JV.

In that sense, Arizona State is the Brock of universities. If you don’t have a Brock in your life, how lucky you are.

Speaking of famed Arizona State quarterback Brock Osweiler, let’s take a look at some other notable Arizona State alumni (trigger warning):

Vontaze Burfict

James Harden

Terrell Suggs

Barry Bonds

Jake Plummer

Jordan Bachynski

Phil Mickelson

Dustin Pedroia

David Spade (the actor)

Of that putrid list, only Bonds gets a free pass. That’s because he was hated by all his teammates and they seriously tried to get him kicked off the team; he’s only a Sun Devil because his teammates failed at that. Also, I’m a Giants fan and nothing you can say about Bonds will change my mind.

Away from all those villains, someone else was on that alumni list that caught my eye. That was Wilford "Whizzer" White, a running back who in 1950 became the first ever All-American in ASU history.

If the name "Whizzer" White sounds familiar, that’s because it is. In the 1930s, Colorado had a running back named Byron "Whizzer" White, who in addition to being arguably the greatest athlete in school history (he also played basketball and baseball), became a Supreme Court Justice. CU recognizes him as "The Greatest Buff Ever."

ASU saw what the real "Whizzer" White did and they thought they could just steal his nickname and give to their good player? Did they really think they could get awat with this his grand theft forever? Hell no, Sparky.

After 68 years, Colorado will serve Arizona State justice, not just for them being pompous douchebags, but for the theft of "Whizzer" White.