If you've seen the Jimmy Fallon show, you know what I'm talking about with this title. If you haven't, basically Jimmy Fallon takes the roster pictures of NFL players and predicts what they are "most likely to" do (it's better to just show you). So, I thought it would be fun to do that with Pac-12 coaches, albeit rather poorly.
Warning: Opinions expressed here are not shared by Ralphie Report, and all offensiveness taken from this article is not intentional.
University of Arizona - Coach Rich Rodriguez
Most Likely to Shotgun Beers at Sister's Wedding
This opinion also comes from just watching RichRod on the sideline. This man works hard, plays hard, yells hard, and parties WAY too hard.
Arizona State University - Coach Todd Graham
Most Likely to Point at a Stranger's Shirt, and When They Look Down, Say "Got Your Nose", Then Chuckle Smugly to Himself as He Walks Away
It's the perfect combination of the haircut, that smirk, and that suit. This one is a bit elaborate, but I think I nailed it on the head.
University of California - Coach Sonny Dykes
Most Likely to Have Had Face Smushed In An Industrial Accident
Sonny Dykes doesn't look like this in real life, so I don't know how they got him to look like this in the picture. I can only assume he was on the assembly line in one of many Berkeley factories near the university and unfortunately, he was smushed in the head. He then had to rush to take the picture. That's the only possible explanation.
University of California - Los Angeles - Coach Jim Mora
Most Likely to Be Played By Mark Wahlberg in a Recruiting Film
I mean, this is a pretty tame one so far, but the only reason they would make a Mark Wahlberg- led movie about recruiting is if they were some pretty mind-boggling violations under Mora's tenure. Which would suck, but New Kidz on the Block guy acting as a head coach? Hell yes.
University of Colorado - Coach Mike MacIntyre (Go Buffs!)
Most Likely to Lead a Storied Program Back to Glory
I know, I know, it's silly pandering and homerish and not fun to read, but I had to.
University of Oregon - Coach Mark Helfrich
Most Likely to Lose to You on Purpose at a Family Gathering
That smile just brims of bad decisions in Risk or chess. He just seems too nice to win. He'd rather see you happy than himself. Good guy Mark, I hope you win a national championship.
Oregon State University - Coach Gary Anderson
Most Likely to Be Asked For ID After Buying "M" Rated Game
This man-child coaches more intimidating man-children? Good for him. The rosyness on the nose really gives it a nice youthful look. Well, Anderson has two P5 coaching jobs and looks younger than me, a somewhat impossible feat, so I feel like a bit of a disappointment.
University of Southern California - Coach Steve Sarkisian
Most Likely to Tip Exactly 15%
I'm gonna be honest, it was hard to come up with a good one for this one, as Sarksisian is so thoroughly mediocre in everything they do. I looked at this picture, and I thought, "This was probably taken a dinner party or something, and I bet he gave the waiter or waitress this exact smile as he slid them an underwhelming tIp." If you guys have a better one please let me know.
Stanford University - Coach David Shaw
Most Likely to Intimidate People With Talk of Figures and Dividends
"How liquidated are your movable assets?" "What was that, David?" "*sigh* do you have cash flow through your inventory expenses?" "David, I don't think any of that makes sense" "That's Mr. Shaw." "What?" "THAT'S MR. SHAW TO YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M TALKING TO A TIER 4 RIGHT NOW." *walks away brusquely while scoffing*
University of Utah - Coach Kyle Whittingham
Most Likely to Slowly Lose The Rest of His Hair
It looks like he has no hair on his face. WHERE ARE HIS EYEBROWS? Maybe that clause was in his newly signed contract, I don't know, but it's freaking me out. Whittingham also was runner-up for "most likely to be used in a stock photo", but then I noticed the eyebrows! THE EYEBROWS!
University of Washington - Coach Chris Peterson
Most Likely to Eat Pickled Herring Every Night
Chris Petersen isn't that old, is he? 50? That's it? Well, his mouth looks 100, and it has to be all that pickled herring. Maybe it's just the way this picture was taken, but he's definitely cringing, presumably from the rought smell of pickled herring.
Washington State University - Coach Mike Leach
Most Likely to Spend Four Hours at a Hotel Continental Breakfast
Yup, he's still there.
Let me know what you think in the comments below, and give your own "most likely" cards in the comments below. As always, Go Buffs!