Yes this is satire, but yes Wofford has actually been added to the schedule. - Ed.
Wofford is a perennial power if there ever was one. If they don't dominate their competition all season, whispers blow in the wind as to whom should be fired, whether that's the head coach, the athletic director or the bag man depends on the severity. Luckily for the Terriers, coach Mike Young has yet to be fired, even after last season's incredibly disappointing 15-17 record. Of course, you probably knew that, given the massive media attention Wofford commands year after year.
Colorado may not win this game -- check that, it would be a significant upset if they won -- but it means more for the program as a measurement of how far they've come and how far they can go. Major programs don't schedule road games against just anyone. Powerhouses like Wofford only schedule road games when they know they are seeking a potential signature road win that may be necessary to snag a 1-seed in March.
Kentucky, for example, could have stayed home and let the major programs come to them. Instead, they went out and scheduled a road game against UCLA. The Wildcats rolled and had themselves a signature victory over a Bruins squad that would go on to do great things later in the season.
For Wofford to schedule a road game against the Buffs means that they recognize Colorado as an excellent team that should boost their resume should they win. Yes, Colorado will still have to play also-rans like Xavier, Notre Dame and Texas, but considering where the Buffs were when Tad Boyle came over, it speaks volumes of the program's progress that they warrant attention from powerhouses like Wofford.
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If you've somehow never heard of Wofford or their basketball program, you have probably never seen a college basketball game. Assuming you wouldn't be reading a college basketball article if you've never seen a game, I further assume you know everything you're about to read. However, my editor has threatened to fire me if I don't drop some facts about their team. So here it goes.
The Wofford Terriers are so good, their logo is a big ol' ‘W.' Rumor has it they chose that logo because that's the only letter they know, having seen nothing else on their schedules.
Terriers were once the greatest dogs in the world. They're fearless, feisty, ready to fight. They dominate Westminster (the dog version of March Madness) like no other species has. In every sense, Wofford's basketball team representing the terrier is a match made in heaven. In all honesty, I wish Colorado would have picked a more ferocious mascot than a measly American bison.
On that subject, Wofford's terrier mascot is named Boss, as in Final Boss. Every year, the Terriers can be sharpied into the SoCon tournament championship. Any team lucky enough to be on the opposite side of the bracket is essentially a video game hero, and they know the dominant Terriers will be waiting for them at the end, just like Bowser or Ganondorf at end of the level.
Bowser is a fire breathing dragon-turtle and Ganondorf is a literal warlock; Wofford's specialty is raining Hell from long range. Against the experienced Keydets from the Virginia Military Institute, the Terriers unleashed terror from the skies as they hit 17 of 21 three-pointers, an NCAA record for accuracy.
When Wofford comes to Boulder, it will be the first time star guard Eric Garcia will be back in Colorado since he left high school. As you know from the many SportsCenter features, Wofford's training regiment is so strict that players can only leave the athletic facilities when the team has a road game. When Garcia left Grandview High School in Aurora immediately after graduation, he wasn't even allowed to say goodbye to his parents before Wofford got their hands on him.
Like all his teammates, he hasn't spoken to his loved ones since then, not even on the phone. His return to Colorado won't allow him the chance either because there's simply no time with all that training. Maybe he can make eye contact with his parents during the game, but that would risk a team suspension. Of course, Garcia knew what we would lose when he chose to play for the greatest basketball team in the South.
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When Wofford comes to Colorado, they will seek bloodshed, unyielding fear and, most importantly, a potential signature road win against a team they deem worthy of sharing a court with. The Buffs shouldn't be expected to win, but Wofford even wanting to schedule a game in Boulder speaks volumes for the Colorado basketball program. If that isn't enough, there's still a non-zero chance Colorado pulls off the impossible.