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EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: Tad Boyle Is Not Going To Tennessee

Psych! Okay, so it's not exclusive. Or a scoop. But shut up already- you made with the clicky clicky, so you might as well read the article.

Seriously, we've got to deal with this crap again? C'MON!
Seriously, we've got to deal with this crap again? C'MON!
Jamie Squire

I really thought we were going to make it through the Stupid Season this year without having to deal with this nonsense. Alas, 'twas not to be. So I have absolutely no insider information on this, but I do have a modicum of common sense and I am not drunk on Tennessee Sipping Whiskey (I mean, yet- no guarantees for later), so I can comfortably state the following: Tad Boyle will not be the next coach at Tennessee. Print this out, and put it in your wallet, or just staple it to your forehead if you don't have a wallet. When the next coaching job comes open, maybe just cross out "Tennessee" and write in whatever other job has just become available. UNLV maybe, or Georgia. Who cares. The point is that it does not matter. Tad Boyle will be on the sideline next year for the University of Colorado. Full stop.

First off, you have articles like this. Does this seem like a stable position to you?

The school is now on its third basketball coach in four years, to partner with the four football coaches it’s hired in the last six seasons.

No one will argue that Tennessee is a plum job -- one currently unemployed coach called me within an hour of the opening to inquire about it -- but the administration and fan base are doing a helluva job turning Knoxville into a reality show.

This is now a place that has been jilted by both Lane Kiffin and Martin.

Except when Kiffin left, his players were furious.

When Martin hit the road, Jordan McRae took to social media: "Can’t treat people any kind of way and expect good in return," he wrote.

No you cannot. Even in this weird, morally challenged world, the golden rule does still have some teeth. You can’t spend three years making a man feel like an unwanted interim coach and then, once he reaches the Sweet 16, expect him to return the warm and phony embrace.

No one in their right mind would leave a comfortable, secure, successful job in his home state for the drunken clown car described by Dana O'Neil. Or how about this:

It is time to test the Tennessee River water that flows past Knoxville.

Test it for toxic levels of dysfunction.

There is something in the water, or the soil – or, most likely, the people – at the University of Tennessee that has turned the athletic department into a transient, turmoil-ridden place. Basketball coach Cuonzo Martin’s departure Tuesday for California is just the latest huh? moment for a school that has been buffeted by them in recent years.

And yet we're forced to read nonsense like this:

To which, of course, the proper response is this:

As much as I'm pulling for Koenigsberg, these are equally likely. Or you can read this article, by perpetual Tennessee sunshine pumper Clay Travis:

5. Colorado's Tad Boyle

Boyle's a former Tennessee assistant who has taken over the Colorado job and had great success there. Word is Boyle loved it in Knoxville. With three straight NCAA tourney bids at Colorado, could the Vols pry Boyle away from the Pac 12.

I think there would be a good chance of that.

Tad Boyle was the Director of Operations at Tennessee for one year. They lost in the first round of the NCAA tournament as an 8 seed. You know, just like we did this season. You think Sean Kearney will be longing wistfully for that experience in 15 years? That hardly sounds like an experience that tugs at the sentimental heart strings, creating a situation to which you just can't say no. And certainly not when you consider all of the drama swirling around the athletic department. That's like me yearning for the moderately priced Volkswagon Jetta I had first out of college. I mean, it was a decent enough car. I had some dates at the drive in with fairly attractive women in it (no seriously, we used to have a drive in). But I don't want it back.

Tad has a new house, a comfortable family, an adoring fan base, and a really sweet CU belt. Tennessee has a boatload of chaos, an irrational fan base, and uniforms that look like creamsicles. He's turned down more money before and would do so again. And that's another thing- Boyle makes more now than Cuonzo Martin did. Do they really back up the Brinks truck for a coach who's won a solitary NCAA tournament game? So please do what I have obviously failed to do- ignore this thing. Do not look for your pearls to clutch, or ready your fainting couch upon which to faint. You have better things to worry about, like a point guard with a Lando Calrissian mustache, or where our facilities money is coming from, or whether Step Up: All In will be awesome or super awesome, or I don't know, baseball or something. Anything but this.