Every year I look forward to writing this article and every year it’s more fun than the last. It requires no explanation and it certainly has no editorial oversight.
QB — Max Duggan
This starts a bit boring, but it was a weak QB class with only Dorian Thompson-Robinson and Hendon Hooker there to compete with Max Duggan, whose name is evocative of a poorly trained golden retriever.
RB — Tank Bigsby, Deuce Vaughn
Tank Bigsby is one of those great names that we just get used to from seeing so often, like Kayvon Thibodeaux or Laviska Shenault. Deuce Vaughn isn’t great, but it’s the best of the rest, a somewhat disappointing class that includes the likes of Chase Brown, Eric Gray and Chris Rodriguez.
WR — Dontayvion Wicks, Kayshon Boutte
More like Kayshon Booty with how he bought into his own hype and sabotaged his draft stock.
TE — Payne Durham
If this sounds boring, you don’t know what Payne looks like.
OL — Juice Scruggs, O’Cyrus Torrence, Jovaughn Gwyn, Peter Skoronski, Broderick Jones
Some excellent choices that don’t really need explanation. Peter Skoronski I love because his grandfather Bob Skoronski was a Packers offensive line during the 50s and 60s, which is perfect on every level. Broderick Jones gets on here because fellow name haver Brodric Martin also heard his name called and this is a two-for-one.
DL — DeMarvion Overshown, Gervon Dexter, Sr., Nesta Jade Silvera
We’ve known DeMarvion Overshown for a long time, since he was a big-time recruit and three-year starter at Texas. Gervon Dexter, Sr. is already incredible before we get to him naming his kid after himself.
Edge — Habakkuk Baldonado, YaYa Diaby, Moro Ojomo
I’m cheating here because he was undrafted, but HABAKKUK BALDONADO. The Italian-born Pitt Panther was named after the Abrahamic prophet who was known for lamenting the injustice and evil he saw in the world. YaYa Diaby and Moro Ojomo are just normal West African names, but they have such effortless flow that they need to be included.
LB — SirVocea Dennis, Titus Leo
I cannot read SirVocea Dennis without seeing Divorce and Sin and maybe I was reading too much about Abrahamic prophets to write the last section. Anyways, Titus Leo goes hard.
CB — Kelee Ringo, Jarrick Bernard-Converse, Ameer Speed
Kelee Ringo joins Tanks Bigsby and DeMarvion Overshown as names that we’ve seen to much to joke with. Jarrick Bernard-Converse, on the other hand? New, exciting and stylish. Ameer Speed made it because he ran a 4.33 40-yard dash and that’s important.
S — JL Skinner III, DeMarcco Hellams
Boise State’s website does not say what JL is short for, so we’re going to pretend there have been three generations of JL Skinners asking questions that we probably don’t want answered.