You’ve seen that old Key & Peele sketch, the one where they’re college football All-Americans with names like Jackmerius Tacktheritrix and Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon (and Dan Smith, BYU). It’s always funny perusing the 255 or so NFL draft selections and sorting through the best names of the bunch, the ones that sound worthy of being in this sketch.
To determine which names were merely funny and which names made this All-Name team, ran each name through a rigorous algorithm, which was saying them aloud and seeing if my girlfriend laughed.
QB: Brock Purdy, Iowa State
Mr. Irrelevant is an easy choice here. No explanation needed.
RB: Snoop Conner, Ole Miss
Snoop Conner is good, but he’s only here because UTSA star Sincere McCormick went undrafted.
WR: Wan’Dale Robinson, Kentucky; Drake London, USC
Receiver is unusually thin this year, especially since Charleston Rambo and Slade Bolden, the latter being a terrific lacrosse name, went undrafted. Wan’Dale is a great name even if if Robinson is a bit boring. Drake London is not great, but it works as a sold out concert.
TE: Ko Kieft, Minnesota
Unique first name, unusual last name, solid assonance. Moving on.
OT: Zach Tom, Wake Forest; Thayer Munford, Ohio State
Zach Tom is elite, no explanation needed. Thayer Munford joins in because we are short on aristocracy.
IOL: ZeVeyon Furcron, Southern Illinois; Marcus McKethan, North Carolina; Dawson Deaton, Texas Tech
ZeVeyon Furcron went undrafted, but we are making an exception for him because it is far and away the best name in this draft class. The others are solid, Dawson Deaton being chosen because he has an extremely Dallas suburbs name. (Honorable mentions to Blaise Andries and William Dunkle, who signed as UDFAs.)
DL: DeMarvin Leal, Texas A&M; Phidarian Mathis, Alabama
There’s a few genres of names and DeMarvin Leal fits into a certain category of ‘building good momentum and then suddenly stopping with a one-syllable last name’. Like L’Jarius Sneed in 2020, or Malcolm Koonce in 2021.
Edge: Kayvon Thibodeaux, Oregon; Amaré Barno, Virginia Tech
We’ve gotten so used to Thibodeaux that we forgot how much is going on with his name. It has great flow and even has an x in it!
LB: Nakobe Dean, Georgia; Channing Tindall, Georgia
This is not the last time you will see a Kobe on this list. Channing Tindall rushes in as a charter member of Alpha Sigma Pi. (JoJo Domann was supposed to be here, but he went undrafted. I would make fun of Nebraska but so did our best prospects.)
CB: Decobie Durant, South Carolina State; Coby Bryant, Cincinnati
Who are the two best pure scorers since Michael Jordan? (I swear this article is not meant to be funny. I am writing it because I want to, and for no other reason.)
S: Qwynterrio Cole, Louisville; Smoke Monday, Auburn
Both of these guys went undrafted but how can you not do this article without Smoke Monday and Qwynterrio?