The final season of Game of Thrones debuts tonight, so what better way to celebrate than to annoy a bunch of Pac-12 fans and assign them characters that embody their school’s football programs. Also it’s good for page views, we’re hoping.
Arizona/Arizona State - Two of the Sand Snakes
Nothing about Arizona and Arizona State, on the field at least, is distinctive to match a character on Game of Thrones. If any one of their fans wants to come up with a name, I’d be more than happy to replace this. For now, U of A and ASU are two sisters in the Sand Snakes because it will make both fanbases unhappy.
California - Three-Eyed Raven
The Three-Eyed Raven was chained to a tree for thousands of years. That’s a dedicated protest.
Colorado – Jon Arryn
This was tough for me. Jon Arryn fits because he was super important, but only before the story that we are currently watching. If there was a prequel to Game of Thrones, called the Big 8 Chairs or something, this would be a much more flattering comparison.
Also, Jon Arryn presides over the most mountainous region of Westeros and the most naturally beautiful.
Oregon – Renly Baratheon
This is the one that I feel best about. Renly Baratheon is a fascinating character. He comes from a traditional powerhouse family, but that’s not where his importance lies. He rose to power by seeking unseemly sums of outside money (Phil Knight is Mace Tyrell in this scenario), gained prominence very quickly, and cared deeply about how he looked. Despite all this, he achieved nothing of real significance.
Oregon State - Walder Frey
The Frey House doesn’t matter in 99% of scenarios, but if anyone needs to consolidate power in the region, they become the linchpin to success. Oregon State doesn’t matter most of the time, but if you’re USC and you’re trying to go undefeated into the national championship game, they will mess you up.
Stanford – Samwell Tarley
Nerd who’s way more important than you think he should be.
UCLA – Jaime Lannister
To date, Jamie has been a main part of Game of Thrones, but his most important action took place before the story we get to see. He betrayed the Mad King, despite swearing to protect him, in order to “save the realm.” Sure, he’s self-important, he’s obviously got some weird love-hate stuff with his family (USC/Tywin messed him up good), but overall he’s fighting against the common enemy we all share.
USC – Tywin Lannister
This was fun. USC fits a few places. They could be any ancient Targaryen, a tyrant who has let power run amok and now is a diminished form of self. They could be Cersei, who is even more of a tyrant and has abused their power severely. But Tywin is a better representation. He’s a rich old dude who rose to power because he was literally sitting on riches (gold in Tywin’s case, 5 star athletes in USC’s case), used his money and power to bully the rest of the realm from his Western throne, and semi-hates all of his children/peers. He doesn’t care if people don’t like him, or think he’s dishonorable, he just wins. Or did, anyway.
This is a stretch. I could go with the obvious Craster comparison due to his many wives, I could go with Khal Drogo, who started off on fire in GOT before disappointing everyone with an 8-4 finish.
Washington – Sandor Clegane
Are they both dogs? Did they both start out as vassal states to the larger programs in their area? Do they both have a brother that they hate? Yes to all three
Washington State – Balon Greyjoy
At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mike Leach was cast to play Balon in a few deleted scenes. They have the exact same mentality, a crotchety old disruptor who wants to see others lose more than they want to win. The Pirate Coach finds a kindred spirit in a Pirate King.