The sixth season of Game of Thrones just ended, and in a show known for how big it is, it seemed like the biggest ending of all. But I’m sure I don’t have to tell y’all that, you watched it. Houses are the teams of Westeros. Some houses are good, some are bad, and some are plain evil. Much like the current Conference of Champions. In a misguided and terrible attempt, I try to marry (not the best idea in Game of Thrones) the two best things to watch on a weekend.
Arizona - House Greyjoy
This is a stretch, but hear me out: The members (fans) raid and pillage the other houses, espousing the virtues of their way of life ("A Player’s Program) and defiling others’. Their capital is a dump compared to other, more distinguished houses, but they don’t seem to lose often. Sound about right?
Arizona State - House Martell
What a natural fit this is. Same colors and everything! Both the house and the school live in the godforsaken desert, and both are run by women. They both just kinda hang out while the bigger houses battle and have brief periods of relevance. House Martell is often depicted with a snake, and uses venom and poison to win its battles as much as strength. ASU had Jake the Snake as a QB, and Bachynski used dirty play to beat Josh Scott. But really it’s mainly the desert and the color thing. Also, the spear looks like a trident! How perfect is that?
California - House Arryn
Nerds that live in the most bountiful area in the continent. More technologically advanced than the other houses, CaliforniArryn have long been a major player in the Game, but they never seem to seize the spotlight completely and have never had a leader on the Iron Throne*. Both are among the oldest and purest of the houses (California has been in the conference since inception) and hold resentment for some of the other big houses. Littlefinger hails from the Vale, and given recent trickery and shady dealings from Sonny Baelish Dykes, I can't help but make the connection
*Cal has never outright owned a Pacific 8, 10, or 12 conference championship in football.
Colorado - House Stark
The hero of our story, House Buff is the main focus for the audience members and a noble and proud house. They descended from the Old Men (The Big 8) and have a storied past. However, they used to be way cooler and way more powerful. There used to be a time when Sir Darian Hagan struck fear in the hearts of his enemies and the armies were the strongest in the realm. But no longer. They face insurrection within their own state and still lick their self-inflicted wounds to this day.
Oregon - House Tyrell
The youngest of the great houses, Tyrell basically bought its way to relevance and continues to do so. Their great wealth drew strong houses and knights, but cheapened their success in the eyes of other houses. Sound familiar? Also, Tyrell is the softest house, and we all know that Oregon is SOFT. Tyrell has flower knights, rainbow knights, and easy living in Highgarden. They don't know struggle because they jumped from worst to first due to their wealth (Phil Knight). Softer than a pile of pillows. The colors are similar, too. A great fit all around. Loras Tyrell is known as the Flower Knight. Hmm.. who else was a champion that loved flowers...
Oregon State - I Don't Even Know, Man
I am taking open suggestions for this one. I don't know enough about Oregon State to even guess this one out. I am sorry for failing you.
Stanford - Maesters of Oldtown
A bunch of nerds that hang out in their own ivory tower and make fun of the lesser. However, no one can make fun of them back because they hold all the knowledge and all the other schools use them to help make decisions. I am convinced that their strength coach is the master in the black robes, because it seems like he churns out abominations year after year. Imagine five Mountains charging at you every play and that’s how it feels to play the Cardinal. Both are situated in idyllic surroundings and pretend to be above the fray of dirty politics, but we all know they like to roll up their sleeves like the rest of us.
UCLA - House Baratheon
Hates House Lannister/USC? Yup. Powerful house? Yup. Robert Baratheon and Bill Walton have awfully similar speaking patterns and voices. And I have a feeling that Stannis Baratheon recites John Wooden's book in his sleep because he wants soooooooo bad to be a king. Only Wooden is king, Stannis.
USC - House Lannister
Is there a more perfect match than USC and House Lannister? It’s like they were made for each other. Same colors, same panache, same storied history. They always seem to have their nose around the Iron Throne and step on toes whenever necessary to get to it. They flaunt their trophies, know exactly how good they are, and are obsessed with preserving the name of their house. The old guard, Tywin Carroll, seemed to have everything under control, but the new regime exists in name only. After Tywin was unceremoniously pushed out, multiple members of the family have tried their hand at guiding the massive galleon that is their house, but all have failed to point the rudder in the right direction.
Utah - House Tully
Family. Duty. Honor. The words of House Tully, and I'm pretty sure they also show up in the Book of Mormon somewhere. This is more of a culture match than anything. Centrally located with a large focus on familial pride, the Tullys and Utah share quite a few qualities. Utah is just missing the coolest part of House Tully, which is Brynden Tully, aka the Blackfish. Imagine if Urban Meyer stayed at Utah and grew a huge beard, and you'd have Utah's version of the Blackfish. He's so cool. Kyle Whittingham also seems stuck in Salt Lake City for the rest of his coaching career despite success, which mirrors the career of Edmure Tully quite nicely. Never could seem to get out.
Washington - Whatever House Hates House Tyrell the Most
This is both an indictment on the identity of Washington and a sign that there is not a good fit for Udub.
EDIT: Sean Hoffman (unsound_meat) saves me.
@RalphieReport Washington would be House Florent. They are resentful of the Tyrells and dispute their right to Highgarden. Seems right.— Sean Hoffman (@unsound_meat) June 28, 2016
Washington State - House Redwyne
This one might be a stretch, but there are some things that stand out here. One, Redwyne and WSU are small houses compared to their peers, but they have an outsized effect on the events of the world. They live in remote locations and love to drink. The real parallel here is Lady Olenna Tyrell and Mike Leach. Olenna Tyrell used to be Olenna Redwyne, and both her and the Dread Pirate Leach are ultimate burn units. Mike and Olenna dish out verbal punishment like its their job and, surprisingly specifically, make fun of people's fat little girlfriends.
All house pictures from fanpop.com.