Welcome, welcome. Or, as from the play my brother just finished, Willkommen.
We here at the Ralphie Report (read: Jack Barsch and me) enjoy creating the most powerful of rankings. We do so because (1) this is a slow season for college content, (2) these trash posts are fun to write, and (3) we really just want to rank the Buffs ahead of everyone else, because we know that when football comes around, a number one spot in the conference is too outlandish to even imagine.
The purpose of this post is not to imagine a world with Buffs football winning the championship Leicester City style, but to focus on what the Buffs are truly superior to their counterparts. You read the title, so you know what's up. We're power ranking the twelve cities of the Pacific-12 Conference based on categories like weather, culture, how much water they use, and how close the Flatirons are.
12. Tempe (Arizona State)
Every year, my high school’s varsity baseball team takes a Spring Break trip to Arizona to play against teams from all over the country. I barely made the varsity team last year as a relief pitcher, and though I was to be excluded initially (because I wasn't very good), I was eventually invited on the trip.
When we caravanned to our first game in the Phoenix suburbs, we drove through Tempe and I was inconsolably disgusted by what I saw. Every lawn of every house was the same shade of green as the Milwaukee Bucks’ road uniforms. In Arizona, no lawn should ever be that color, and if it is, you are contributing to a major problem.
The state of Colorado is considered a headwater state, which means every river and stream in the state is flowing downhill into the surrounding lands. Thirteen states -- ten American, three Mexican -- rely on water coming from Colorado. If those any of those use too much or pollute the water heavily, lawsuits rain from the skies. Mexico is excluded from the hot lawyering action, even though their portion of the Colorado River has been reduced to nothing more than goopy drainage.
Arizona is not exactly Colorado is terms of how much water is available. Home of the Mojave desert, the Chihuahuan desert, the Sonoran desert, etc., etc., Arizona is dry as dry can be. So dry, in fact, that cacti are a primary source of water for the habitat's animals.
If left to nature, there would be no green grass from Flagstaff to Tucson. If left to Arizonans, there would be no brown grass from Flagstaff to Tucson, no matter how water is consumed in the process, no matter how many farmers or ranchers in Mexico are left without water. If left to Coloradans, everything green would already be smoked.
Tempe gets the brunt of that disdain here because it’s the only Phoenix suburb in the Pac-12.
11. Los Angeles (USC)
The people of Los Angeles -- particularly affluent white people -- sure use a lot of water.
10. Los Angeles (UCLA)
The people of Los Angeles -- particularly affluent white people -- sure use a lot of water. UCLA ranks ahead of USC only because they have the Rose Bowl.
9. Tucson (Arizona)
Tuscon is still Arizona, but it gets the nod over the L.A. schools because the natural scenery is simply stunning.
8. Pullman (Washington State)
Pullman is basically Windsor, Colorado, but with 7,000 more people and a university. Pullman should rate higher because it’s in beautiful Washington, but then again it’s in the heart of potato country and it’s hours away from Cascadian forests. In fact, it’s within walking distance of the panhandle of Idaho.
7. Salt Lake City (Utah)
Not once have I even heard one good or bad thing about Salt Lake City. I’ve heard all kinds of jokes about Utah and many different cities in it, but nope, nothing about SLC. I’ve only driven through the city when I was 9, so I can offer nothing of note. I’ll just slap them right in the middle and hope no one yells at me.
6. Corvallis (Oregon State)
I’ve never been, but my mom grew up in the region and says that Corvallis is kind of an armpit in the same way Golden is. Still, Corvallis is in Oregon, and unlike Pullman, it’s in the half of its respective state (cut East-West) that doesn’t house a disproportionate amount of Neo-Nazis. By the way, if you’re unaware, Oregon is kind of a sketchy place when you stray from the cities.
5. Palo Alto (Stanford)
I've never been, but my grandparents grew up in the region and says that Palo Alto is wonderful. This is the part of the rankings where tough calls are made between incredible cities. To highlight this, the jump between Corvallis to Palo Alto is greater than the jump from Tempe to Corvallis, and that's even considering how much water Oregon conserves.
4. Berkeley (Cal)
Berkeley and Palo Alto are those two cool kids in class who pretend to be each other when the substitute teacher calls attendance. If two weird kids -- let's say, Pullman and Corvallis -- did this, no one would laugh, but since Berkeley and Palo Alto are so funny and cool and cute, the classmates cannot stop laughing.
What I'm saying is that this is a toss up. I chose Berkeley because I'm huge Allen Crabbe fan.
3. Seattle (Washington)
Seattle is the home of Bill Gates, Bill Nye and Brandon Roy.
Seattle is also the home of grunge music and Ted Bundy, so that's why it's only third.
Side note: How come nobody ever told me Dave Grohl was the drummer of Nirvana? I found out just now.
2. Eugene (Oregon)
Eugene is basically Boulder, if Boulder was in Oregon.
1. Boulder (Colorado)
Boulder is basically Eugene, if Eugene was in Colorado.
Oregon is cool and all, but Colorado marilized legaluana first, so we get the edge.