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Here is your season preview for the Red Hot Buffs men's lacrosse team

Ahoy, ladies and gents! (ladies- haha yeah right) It has been a January largely bereft of good news on the athletic front, and a January largely bereft of Phil generated content. The former due mostly to bad luck and the latter due to deep, strong laziness (and also bad luck). But let's change all that, by examining the upcoming schedule for the Red Hot Buffs men's lacrosse team! Join me, won't you, on this magical journey.

It's my article, so I get to choose my brother
It's my article, so I get to choose my brother

When last we left you, the team finished second nationally, with all three losses coming against (ugh) Colorado State. Aside from the results against the Team Up North, this year is expected to be no different, as Colorado enters to preseason polls at number two behind only... (ugh) Colorado State. As with all preseason polls, this can be taken with a huge grain of salt, which I feel like should be even huger given the nature of club sports scouting. Let's look at it from an insider's angle:

<blockquote class="twitter-tweet" lang="en"><p><a href=";src=hash">#MCLA</a> preseason poll is pretty comical. I do think we are doing better at in the 13-25 portion of the rankings though.</p>&mdash; Marty Taffet@ (@MartyTaffet) <a href="">January 22, 2014</a></blockquote>

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That's Colorado defensive coordinator and face off coach Marty Taffet, so the rest of this article is probably all garbage (from a content and writing standpoint both). But who cares! You're just trying to finish up your work week. The schedule:

Sat Feb 1
1:00 PM
scrimmageColorado College Lacrosse@ Colorado College Colorado CollegeColorado Springs, CO -
Sat Feb 8
1:00 PM
scrimmageColorado Mesa Univesrity Lacrosse@ Colorado Mesa Walker FieldGrand Junction, CO -
Fri Feb 21
4:00 PM
Chapman University LacrosseChapman Hovley Soccer ParkPalm Desert, CA PREGAME
Sun Feb 23
11:00 AM
Boston College LacrosseBoston College Hovley Soccer ParkPalm Desert, CA PREGAME
Fri Feb 28
7:00 PM
University of Texas LacrosseTexas Franklin FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Fri Mar 7
7:00 PM
divisionalBrigham Young University LacrosseBYU Kittredge FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Sat Mar 8
7:00 PM
Michigan State University LacrosseMichigan State Kittredge FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Sat Mar 15
1:00 PM
Arizona State University LacrosseArizona State Kittredge FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Sun Mar 16
1:00 PM
University of California-Berkeley LacrosseCalifornia Kittredge FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Thu Mar 27
7:00 PM
University of Nevada-Las Vegas LacrosseUNLV Kittredge FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Sat Mar 29
12:30 PM
Davenport University LacrosseDavenport Kittredge FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Fri Apr 4
3:00 PM
Sonoma State University LacrosseSonoma State Sonoma State UniversityRohnert Park, CA PREGAME
Sat Apr 5
1:00 PM
Stanford University LacrosseStanford Stanford UniversityStanford, CA PREGAME
Fri Apr 11
7:30 PM
divisionalWestminster College LacrosseWestminster Kittredge FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Sat Apr 12
4:00 PM
divisionalUniversity of Utah LacrosseUtah Folsom FieldBoulder, CO PREGAME
Sat Apr 19
7:00 PM
divisionalColorado State University-Ft. Collins LacrosseColorado State Folsom FieldBoulder, CO

Since you do not know about MCLA lacrosse, allow me to educate you, as that is what we do here at the Ralphie Report- that is an extraordinarily daunting schedule. We begin the season in earnest by facing Chapman, which is #5, in their own backyard. Following that is #10 Boston College. After that, we go #13, #4, #7, #3, #14, before finally getting a "break" against unranked UNLV. You can view the entire preseason MCLA coach's poll here.

All but two of our games are against teams ranked in the preseason top 25, and we play every other team in the top 5. Try to imagine a college basketball team playing that kind of schedule. You cannot. One saving grace is that, aside from trips to Palm Springs and the California Bay Area, every game will be played within the friendly confines of the CU-Boulder campus. So that means it is your responsibility to go out to a game to support the team against such daunting foes. "But I do not understand lacrosse," you say. To which I respond, "shut up, Whiny Magoo." It is young men bashing into each other with their bodies and shiny metal sticks. It is the original American sport. Suck it up. And if you are lucky, you will find me on the sideline, happy to explain it to you. But what about the players? you did not ask. Well, here they are:

On paper, we appear to be headed by a strong group of attack men. I say "on paper" because frankly, I do not know who most of these players are. Starting attack Jack Cranston once broke our goalie's thumb by virtue of a 95 MPH shot. Senior Riley Seidel also returns, and has an enlightening interview here. Rounding out the starting attack position is senior Tyler Dougherty. CU also figures to be strong in the defensive midfield with LSM Clark Salamie, who is incredible at face-offs, and junior AJ Colaizzi, who went to JK Mullen Prep, so he must be good. Based on my preseason scouting, we also have one close defender who thoroughly enjoys absolutely killing opposing players via body checks, which is fun to watch. I do not know his name, so we will call him Gary. Gary the Smasher (UPDATE: The Ralphie Report has learned through trusted sources that he is actually called Rowan Sloss. So Rowan the Smasher it is). Also of note is the dashing and daring young LSM Braden Fraser, who shares both a surname and a mother with yours truly.

All told, Colorado lacrosse appears to be poised to continue their strong rung of success, and you could- neigh SHOULD- be a part of it. Come out to Kittredge (or Franklin, or Folsom) to enjoy, appreciate, and cheer on their excellence.

*did anyone catch the cartoon reference?