The Offtopic Gets Deep On Some Golf and Big Break

Just for the record - I am crap at golf. My favorite quote comes from my my friend Miller, who said "I don't care enough about golf to become mediocre." It takes way too much work and money to go from being drop dead awful to even become not embarrassing. Pass. But I do like to put on funny socks and my bright gold golf shoes and wander aimlessly around the course after spraying a tee shot that somehow travels 50 feet in the air (if I'm lucky) before somehow bypassing physics and taking an immediate 90 degree turn to the right. But as I like to say- I get to enjoy more of the course than you idiots who just hit it straight at the hole. Idiots.

So let's watch this thing! I'll be attempting to live tweet the show when it airs on Mondays and then recap the show here by basically reusing all of the jokes from my twitter. You should watch it also, so we can all have fun, in the comments! This will happen until Emily loses (so hopefully never) because I have zero vested interest in any of the other players.

Last week was the preview episode, which profiled Emily and her love of Boulder. She's just like us! She skis a lot and then hits golf balls in Folsom while Ralphie watches her. Next up is some guy with a beard and an acoustic guitar. Nothing good ever comes from a guy with an acoustic guitar, unless his hippie girlfriend has weed. Fast Forward. Third up is Brunette Girl in a bikini, so we can watch this for a while. Like most golfers, she is rich, so she has a sailboat. Her sister is a pro tennis player, so this is officially the whitest family in the world. Surprisingly, the next guy is also white, and was an all state QB. Jesus, did all of these people just step straight out of a GAP ad? Fast Forward. Next is a softball player from Arizona. So far, all of these people appear to be great athletes who also play golf. That's some bullshit. Golf is for people who aren't great athletes. It's like bowling for rich people. Now we come to a guy named Chad- Fast Forward. Oh wait, in the fast forward, we see that Chad is a bowler, so maybe he's a Poor. We're halfway done with this crap.

Wow, we've got a token black guy from the valley who rides dirt bikes! Okey-d, I'll root for Jason too. Of course, I've seen many reality shows and crappy horror movies, so he's probably the first to go. Oh, hello blond girl with the short hair. My name is Phil, how you doin? She lives at home and makes her own jewelry and we are in love so back the hell off. Well that died quickly because next is another beard guy in a kayak, because that's a thing people do? They kayak? Why are all of these people from Florida? Taylor, who is 23 and enjoys bikini walking, is from Ft. Lauderdale. She also enjoys paddleboarding, which is extremely stupid. Paddleboarding : surfing :: cross country skiing : real skiing. Just stay on the beach and play bocce and drink, like a normal person. Woah- the next person is called Liebelei, and she is from Niederanven, Luxembourg. I will probably just ignore her because there's no goddamn way I'm going to try to spell any of those words again. Her last name is Lawrence, so maybe I'll call her that. She also speaks a language called "Luxembourgish," which I'm positive is just a made up inside joke in that place where they speak jibberish and make Normals feel foolish. Finally, we have some hillbilly from Tennessee. Does he shoot things? Of course he shoots things, don't be stupid. His girlfriend is a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, so clearly we're all the ones doing it wrong. He also has a shaved head and kind of looks like a penis with ears. Yes, I am just lashing out because I'm jealous. And we're done with introductions! Let's move on to episode the first...

...When last we left you, we introduced you to the contestants. Remember that? Such fun. It feels like only 2 ellipses and one parapgraph break ago. But now we're on to the golfening. Weirdly, this episode starts the way I like to end my golf, with liquor and cigars. All of the players slowly matriculate in some sort of cigar club in New York and are divided into teams. Emily is the first lady golfer after 3 generic white dudes. Then another girl (probably from Florida) and then my pretend girlfriend and then another girl and another girl. Now some beard guy and then Jason, rollin deep in a hoodie. I like Jason lots. Then some blah blah blah... bored. Fast Forward. Following some product placement, we're off to Mexico, where the contestants will play at a much nicer course than the one next to the airport where I usually play. The three teams are Team Aztec, Team Maya, and Team Olmec. They're named after indiginous tribes who were slaughtered by the Spanish. There is no Team Inca or Team Cherokee or Team Whatever Canadians The Vikings Slaughtered- Inuits Maybe. Emily is Team Aztec while Jason is Team Olmec.

FINALLY we get to do some golf stuff. The first challenge is to break a small plane of golf by chipping. You get 3-2-1 points determined by the order in which you break your glass, and each of the 4 players get a shot. Emily seems fun. She's the only girl in the first wave, and she starts talking noise. Emily gets second, earning her 2 points for San Diego State, erm... Aztec. And she did a little dance. Personally, I would've just chucked my clubs at the target until I hit it; but then, club chucking is a big part of my game, so maybe I'm just playing to my strengths. Then some other, non-Emily stuff happens, so who cares. Jason's asshole tightens up and he only gets 1 point. C'mon, Jason! Don't be the token! Some other shit happens, and Team Olmec wins the round... event... thing... whatever the hell.

Next up is hitting an approach shot inside of X number of feet to the pin. You pick how many feet you think you can hit it within, and your point potential varies based on the size of your balls. Our girl Emily is first up, and picks 18 feet, which is worth 3 points. I can't get my ball within 18 feet on my second putt. But she manages it and scores. Everyone but Emily is slacking for real on Team Aztec. This event thing actually involves some strategery, so it's pretty fun to watch. You can't just chuck a club at the pin. Or, you can, but then you hit a goose and never mind I don't want to talk about it. Emily seems to get featured a lot more than everyone else. Probably because she's super cool. Also, she's wearing all black and thus looks crazy tough, but we need a little gold in her wardrobe, for flair. "Holy S-Word" is my new favorite swear. And I like lots of swears. Aztec is up 8 to 4 with 1 final shot. Maya needs 4 points to continue, which is 12 feet, and some white guy can't do it, so Emily and the Emettes win and get the advantage for the next thing, whatever that is. There's also some sort of strike system relating to elimination, which I don't understand and don't care about.

On to the final thing! It's a 2 hole match play event, with some girl from one team and some guy from the other. We want the girl to win, for Emily's sake (even though she won't get bounced, because she's a boss). Guy hits a great shot within 5 feet. Girl closes at about 10. These people are very much better than me at golf. The best shot I ever hit off the tee was from 90 yards and I hit it about 20 feet from the pin. 3 putted. Stupid golf. Girl misses the putt by 2 inches, and also has a sweet skirt- it's like a hot pink Zubaz action. I want this in shorts form. Girl is using a fairway wood, which scare the hell out of me. I suck at fairway woods more than I suck at everything else about golf, which is a lot. But she pulls through and knocks it to within 10 feet. But Chad knocks it down, even though he appears to be wearing Sketchers on the course. Completely unacceptable. Aztec is staring at elimination. BUT WHO THE HELL LOSES? No one knows, because that's the end of the episode. I hate reality TV.