Pac-12 Punchability Scale

Jamie Squire

So during the game against Oregon, I posed a hypothetical question:

EJ Singler- punchable? or MOST punchable?

This is not the first time I have wondered this question. It actually flashes through my head during pretty much every game, which says nothing positive about me to be sure. So now that we've run through one full cycle of the Pac 12 schedule, let's examine that. Who is the most punchable person on each team, and what is the conference hierarchy of punchability? The most punchable person on any team is usually an annoying white guy with a douchey haircut who starts inexplicably dropping buckets from all over. Therefore I invented the Heslip Punchability Scale, which is arbitrarily awarded by me. So from worst to first...

12: Sabatino Chen, Colorado G

Sabatino isn't very punchable. From his glorious hair to his adorable nicknames (Super NinChendo Sega Chenesis, ChenSanity). Also he's from Colorado, so he's by definition the least punchable on the list. He's not white, but according to the paint chips I picked up at Home Depot, he's pretty deep on the Whiteness scale. Why would other teams find him punchable? Well, he's annoying as hell, what with the constant energy and back cuts and defense, which he plays pretty well despite being a middling athlete. He's kind of like a caputchin slapping you in the face. He also can drop some shots- ask Arizona (but not the refs in the Arizona game). 2 Heslips

11: Ahmad Starks, Oregon State G

It's hard to find a punchable player from Oregon State, mostly because they suck and it's hard to want to punch them when you just want to point and laugh. But they've got a lot of talent, so for that most Beavers fans would probably pick coach Craig Robinson as most punchable. Ahmad Starks isn't very punchable. He's pretty little, so it's kind of like wanting to punch Willow, or Honey Boo Boo (wait... nvm). That said, this. THERE'S YOUR PUNCHABILITY. 4 Heslips

10: Eric Wise, USC G

Eric Wise isn't particularly punchable, but he did do most of the work against CU, so I guess that counts. Also, USC as a whole is pretty punchable. They have a gorgeous building half full (at best) of people who are waiting to go 7-6 in football so they can puff their chests and stab stupid swords into the ground. Wise also decided that the school at which he starred wasn't good enough (UC-Irvine) so he abandoned them to move up into the real of the very definition of the nouveau riche. 8 Heslips

9: Brock Motum, Washington State F

This is another team that just isn't very punchable because they're just so sad. But Motum is punchable because he's a great player but also looks like Alfred E. Neuman, If you're getting destroyed by the guy saying "what, me worry?" then yeah, that's a face I'd love to punch. 11 Heslips

8 Aziz N'Diaye, Washington C

N'Diaye would be much more punchable if he wasn't so large. Mostly, he's a Voltron of elbows and knives and socks full of ball bearings who can't score particularly well. He's just a physically incoherent and uncomfortable monster who leaves everyone in his wake injured and uglier. The only way to punch him would be to get some form of basketball Iron Man Suit (Mark IX suit or better, preferably) and hope for the best. 15 Heslips

7: David Kravish, Cal F

Kravish isn't particularly punchable. He's not very good at offense (0-7 vs. Pepperdine), but will occasionally grab a BUNCH of rebounds, all while having the face of a guy pinching a loaf and alternatively letting it go. 17 Heslips

6: Kaleb Tarczewski, Arizona F

I hate Kaleb Tarczewski. Mostly because I can't spell his name so I just call him Eye Chart. It ruins being a part of a message board during games. He's wasn't particularly good in the pretend win against Colorado, but I still hate him. 23 Heslips

5: Aaron Bright, Stanford G

Aaron Bright is like a miniature version on Aaron Craft. Except he isn't good at anything and just kind of exists on defense. He isn't even a good 3 point shooter. So he just... um.. is there. Acting annoying as hell like a mosquito who buzzes around ruining your picnic and then lands in your ear and calls you racist for 2 hours... um, I'm not quite sure what that means. Someone needs to kick him in the shin. Barring that- 30 Heslips

4: Jordan Bachynski, Arizona State, C

I easily could've gone with Carrick Felix here, but Jordan Bachsksdgegry wins on the basis of his eye chart potential, his overwhelming slow whiteness, and the fact that he destroyed us in the paint. A 16-7-9 (blocks) line will make you punchable regardless. 45 Heslips

3: Travis Wear, Ucla F

Let's just start this off by saying that there was a joke circulating among Mater Dei parents when the twins transferred from UNC that the reason they left is because their dad wasn't allowed to be an assistant coach. So there's that, among sympathetic fans. And Mater Dei is not sympathetic. Add to that, he can't really really jump, or move around without looking like he has a hernia. And still, man can he get off. He gets rebounds the same way that Chubbs did in Teen Wolf- by standing flat footed and bearhugging the ball when it falls to him. Travis Wear is Chubbs (god- Michael J Fox was so very punchable in that if you're a Dragons fan). And he seems to thrive in killing the Buffaloes offensively- see 23 points this year on the same 15 foot jumper, and 14 on 6-10 shooting last year. Plus he's pretty slow so you could probably run away pretty easily. 60 Heslips

2: EJ Singler, Oregon F

Oregon is basically a team full of punchable players, by virtue of the fact that they play for Oregon in the absurd Matthew Knight Arena on a court that looks like a toilet half an hour after a 3 AM Taco Bell run (pun intended). He's slow, he's white, he can get hot on offense despite not being particularly good at anything, his brother played for Duke (scientifically proven to be the most punchable program in the history of college basketball) and oh yeah, this.Is there anyone you more want to punch in the conference? No, no there is not. (or is there?) And by this virtue, he is awarded 85 Heslips

1: Jason Washburn, Utah C

Seriously- who the hell is Jason Washburn? He's just a big dumb lumbering idiot who screams and flails around about everything no matter how innocuous, like he's trying to be the Pac 12's Marshall Henderson. Loveridge is basically an anthropomorphised version of Skip Bayless's peronality. But good lord did his 13-11 kill us. That makes him so very very punchable. I considered Dallin Bachysnki, for eye chart factors, but no- I want to punch Jason Washburn so very badly. 90 Heslips

(update: as mbomar04, who was one of the 4 CU fans at the Utah game points out, "Washburn is the most punchable. Stood in front of CU fans and kept saying 'our house.'" So there's definitely a strong case to be made here)

UPDATE: I've refreshed the Heslip scale, like all great statisticians like me and Nate Silver do. As such, Jason Washburn is now the most punchable player in the Pac 12. Congratulations! DICK

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