So we're starting a new conference, minus Nebraska. That means we need a new Thanky G rivalry. Enter Utah. I know we have no real reason to hate them, but I can find reasons to hate anyone. So, manufactured as it is, let's send the wheels in motion, embrace this manufactured rivalry, and find reasons to hate the hell out of Utah.
1: Utah thinks they have good skiing. They do not. They brag about short drives from the airport to the slopes. Well. that's mighty convenient, isn't it? Convenience does not equal good. People drive hours to take in our amazing slopes, from the champagne powder in Steamboat Springs to the rugged terrain of Telluride. and everything in between. Skiing in Utah is for people too lazy to drive for an hour or two.
2: Keith Van Horn's stupid knee high socks
3: Their mascot used to hunt our mascot. THEY LITERALLY ATE US. It's not our fault that our mascot is delicious and low in fat, but step up now, Utah. Your drunk college student in a costume vs Ralphie. Head on at the 50. Let's go.
4: Sundance. Sundance used to be cool. Now it's a vacation spot for industry clowns who pretend to like terrible movies. Case in point: Another Earth. It's a terrible film that Sundance people enjoyed because they like everything if it looks "indie" enough. If you want pretentious Angelinos enjoying something good, go to the Aspen Comedy Festival.
5: We gave Utah young stud Alec Burks. We got back broken down geriatric Andre Miller.
6: Drinking laws. I refuse to buy a membership to drink something fermented. What the hell is that? At CU, we can drink just because we're of age, or we know someone of age, or we're attractive enough to get the bouncer to let us into the Sink.
7: Olympics. Yes, Utah had the Olympics in 2002, but everyone got bribed. Colorado would never bribe someone (mostly because we don't have anything with which to bribe). Cheater cheater pumpkin eaters. Plus that whole figure skating thing. What's up with that, Utah?
8: Traditon. Utah, adorably, thinks they have some. Yes, beating a terrible Pitt team with a coach on his way out the door is great. For Utah. We have a national championship, a Heisman, numerous player of the year trophies... but Utah also consistently beats Utah State and CSU (also defeated by CU).
9: Red. We've learned to hate red, because of a good football program- Nebraska. Utah? Um, okay, we can hate you too. You fall into the pantheon of awful uniforms next to Texas Tech. You're lucky that Utah doesn't have a flag as ugly as Maryland's.
10: Let's count the head to heads: recently, we've got an NCAA skiing national championship (over Utah), and 2 Pac 12 Championship cross country teams (I don't even know where Utah finished, other than bad). We're also well ahead in football all time. Congrats on that women's soccer win.
So what is Utah, other than the second best program in their state, a mediocre university with a mediocre record in everything, and a nice campus and academic program that isn't as good as Colorado? Sounds a lot like CSU.