Dan Hawkins Bring Out the Worst in Me

2006: I once turned down an invitiation to "watch the game" alone with a college coed cutie in her dorm room.

It was my sophomore year, it was against I-AA Montana State, it was the beginning of the Dan Hawkins era at the University of Colorado. 

I remember staring at my sext message, beverage in one hand, phone in the other, weighing the options between a little college experimentation vs. the perceived first step in returning CU to its rightful place as a college football power. I'm not sure if it was my alcoholic golden-clad friends well in to three hours of drinking, or the dream of taking a picture next to the bronzed statue of Dan Hawkins with my grandkids as I recounted the first time a Hawk team took the field that motivated me to ditch whats-her-name. Regardless, I went to the game. And in the place of taking advantage of a rarely roommateless opportunity, I watched the 16th winningest college football program of all time lose to a team that's not allowed to go to a cereal bowl. 

2007: I once slept in instead of watching CU take down #3 ranked Oklahoma at Folsom Field

Disinterested after a two-win season the previous year, and hung over after the rager the night prior, I remember staring at the ceiling, looking at the clock, and mumbling "fuck it" as I rolled onto my stomach to pass back out. It wasn't that I didn't care about the Buffs. It was that 50% of my friends didn't care about the Buffs. It was too hot. It was the thought of throwing up all over the people in front of me. It was the expectation that it all wasn't worth it to watch the Buffs get bent over by 40.

Ergo, instead of being half-baked and partying like it was 1990 as Buffs faithful stormed Folsom after holding Sam Bradford to 112 total yards and 2 ints, I was half-naked and on my way to the kitchen to get me some Cheez-Its as the roar of celebration erupted from my boob tube.

2008: I bought my Dad tickets to watch the 3-1 Buffs take on #5 Texas as a birthday gift.

What better a gift to celebrate the birth of my father than to carry on the tradition of father-son sporting event bonding at the school of which he sends said son and tuition money. Sorry Pops, the tuition expense that increases by 15-25% a year does not contribute to the progression of the football program, nor does it decrease the boredom in watching another father-son relationship go 13 for 33 in passing and a 33-14 loss. A real testament to the relationship Hawkins boys.

Thus, instead of sharing in one of those lifetime movie unforgettable father-son moments, we find ourselves discussing the systematic dismembering of a once great football program, defending the academic integrity of the institution, explaining that I don't do drugs, and coming to an understanding that.. if I ever played that bad, blood related or not, the father-son relationship would not stand in the way of a firm and permanent benching.

2009: I dumped my drunk and concussed friend on a couch to go watch the CU/CSU game at Folsom Field

Dan Hawkins and a number of Buffs players had been calling for a 10 win season throughout the summer. Unable to find a sponsor like ... Cinch Jeans???(this year's sponsor)... the Rocky Mountain Showdown was for one year moved to Folsom Field (it's not our fault Sonny Lubick feild at Heinz Stadium divided by pi, squared only holds 20K CSU). It was against Colorado's Second University. It was the perfect storm for a blowout to start off a return to greatness. 

I remember drinking the last of a litre of Jack Daniels as my group of inebriated and hyped on overhype Buff fans began leave for the stadium. Sure enough, in all the pregame partying one friend forgot his ticket in his car. Not being too far from the parking spot, the group encouraged him to go run and get it. And run he did. 

His take off; slow. His balance; wobbly. His path; definitely not straight. There was no doubt how this would end and how funny it was at the time. The only question was, would he make it 30 feet or 25. As the top half of his body started moving faster than the bottom half, it was clear it would be much shorter than that. Sure enough, 15 feet after he began his quest for ticket, he did his best meteor impression and headplanted into the concrete. Drunk, and now concussed, he tried to stablize himself on a parked car, only to fall over standing up again and again. 

So, instead of doing my friendly due diligence, ditching a Dan Hawkins coached Colorado team, and taking my friend to some kind of medical service, it is decided to take him back to the house and lay him on a couch. Dan Hawkins' false promises motivated me to do the selfish thing.. and I was rewarded by watching 300 CSU fans STORMING FOLSOM FIELD.

2010: After uncomfortably and repeatedly challenging my loyalty and fanship to the point of maddness, I pop some PCP and murder the Hawkins family in cold blood for the good of the program.

Of course I would never do this... cough cough.. but Dan Hawkins' repeated abuse of my alma-mater's fanship can't go without at least observation.

I present to you the upcoming "blackout" game this Saturday against SEC's Georgia Bulldogs. Close your eyes right now and guess who has the better record. .... Buffs....1-3 Bulldogs vs 2-1 Buffs. As the fan of the Colorado Buffaloes... am I allowed to root for them to lose?

In four years Dan Hawkins has made choose Montana State over a piece of Minnesota's ass, sloth over top 10 upset, blowout over playing catch with Pops, and myself over the need of a friend. Regret, thy name is Dan Hawkins. So what if the Buffs lose... every loss hastens the process of getting him fired. Another under-performing, penalty ridden performance cannot help but make more obvious how poorly coached, and poorly recruited these 4 years of Buffaloes are. What is my motivation for rooting for mediocrity? Even when I try to gamble on the Buffs... they do the exact opposite of what I think they are going to do. Meanwhile the coach asks for a contract extension. 

See? Dan Hawkins made me look like I'm some band-wagoning, on-again off-again, closet-Colorado graduate. Hell no. Look, there is no excuse for this football team. But at the end of the day, it's not Tyler Hansen's fault that he sucks. Its not Ryan Miller and Nate Soldiers fault they are under-prepared after going against intramural athletes all off-season. It's not their fault any of them were recruited to come here! It all comes back to Dan. They still chose to come to CU despite Dan Hawkins... more power to them. So I guess I'll make another decision I'll regret at the Buffs expense. Because for some reason I have to.

At least we can watch Mark Richt do to Georgia, what our beloved has done to us.

Fuck Dan Hawkins. Go Buffs.


-Lance Gonzalez

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